


Separation

by Sunnyrea



Series: The War [27]
Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF
Genre: Established Relationship, Historical, Lams - Freeform, Letters, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-03
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-26 12:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13858056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunnyrea/pseuds/Sunnyrea
Summary: The letters of Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens from March 1779 to November 1779 - Hamilton at headquarters and Laurens in the southern campaign.





	Separation

**Author's Note:**

> I will remind readers to look at dates and headlines and remember that in 1779 it could take weeks for a letter to arrive. Also, you will notice I have put in the four real historical letters from this time period and added the links if you wish to read the full thing.  
> Also a note, there is a theory that part of the reason we have less surviving letters for John Laurens is due to his letters being more passionate and explicit than Hamilton's. I hold with this theory. Enjoy.

**_John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 24th March 1779_ **

Dear Hamilton

I have arrived safely in Philadelphia this past night. My journey from headquarters was made with expected speed and no interruption of any nature. I am to meet with a small committee of men to discuss my black battalion before we put the plan to Congress for approval. M. Huger is come from Carolina from the Governor himself in request of aid. I do not know his mind on my plan as yet. However, I have confidence we – the committee and I – shall have points and arguments enough to win our cause with Congress in swift measure. 

Now I only lament my absence from you and cling to the knowledge of duty and the fight requiring my sword in the south campaign. 

Adieu mon cher  
John Laurens

 

**_John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton – Chester, Pennsylvania, 1st April 79_ **

I have begun my journey toward South Carolina and rest in Chester for the night. 

Congress has approved my request to create a battalion of black men and granted me leave to raise three thousand able–bodied men under the command of white officers. I shall only now need the sanction of the South Carolina assembly, which may prove the harder task. I shall write to my father of the measure and hope for his approval and aid in my scheme. You know, as I am also aware, the fight shall not be easy but I may only pray that the needs of country should outweigh these men's fear of loss of perceived property and wealth. I do not know if any appeal to the state of man or the will of God shall stir these men’s hearts. Perhaps the needs of war will push them enough into relenting. I am of good spirits, however, with one step forward made in my task. I hope upon my arrival in South Carolina to soon have good news to write to you of my battalion’s beginning.

Be it but two weeks since our parting I miss your face and voice. I recall my speeches to the necessity of duty over ourselves and must remind myself the right of my own words. I hope you feel no malice toward me for my departure now and miss me as ardently, though I would not give you pain. Recall that you are ever in my thoughts. I should wish to hold the knowledge of your affection close and find comfort in the memory each day we spend without one another. I bid you think the same of me. I shall look to the stars and ask Eros to lay my kisses on your cheek and my voice in your ear so you know the truth of my favor even at so great a distance.

Give my regards to his Excellency and others. Please tell them of the start of my journey and that I shall write again as I am able. Tomorrow I make for Moultrie's Camp as my final destination.

Yrs ever  
John Laurens

 

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, April 79_

I have lately had the opportunity of delivering two letters to your honored father whose source is your wife. Why should you choose to keep from me so essential, and pivotal to our close relationship, the fact of your marriage? ~~Do you consider our time together, our private intimacies, but a dalliance? Do you not think I deserving of such truth?~~

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, April 79_

My Laurens

I have lately had the opportunity to be of assistance in delivering two letters into the care of your father whose source is your wife. She also mentions a daughter you fathered. ~~How could~~ I found it hard to believe such a person ~~a daughter even~~ should exist without my knowledge and must ask why... 

~~Why why why...~~

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, April 79_

Dear Laurens

With so little personages in my life to whom I profess true care and love I would tell you, Laurens, my love for you is one I would prefer to show and not merely write. Though it has been little time since you left us I have learned new facts of your life that more than a year of confidences have not produced from your lips despite my kisses. ~~You are married married married~~

~~you damn~~

~~I thought you cared only for me?~~

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, April 79_

We did not mention love until we parted. I wonder was there a reason for this oversight? Did we feel too much to speak the word or too little? Or did a wife I knew nothing of stand between us? Did you fear to tell me I was but a dalliance, a toy, a home wrecker without the knowledge? Or did you fear to say this word out of loyalty to the wife you left when your heart truly lies with me? Please say this second be the truth, or you may cut me deeper than I feel able to heal from. 

If I were to choose a wife how would this bear upon your countenance? If I were to ask you to choose, to list you out what I should wish of her hair, her eye, her mouth, all mirrors of your own visage perhaps, or better still, the opposite, for how could I stand the sight of her should she remind me of you who chose to treat me false and deny me truths I well deserved? You may think me in jest, my friend, and perhaps I am, but I would imagine you understand some aspect of my questioning, what with your own matrimony such a new surprise, that I believe myself now deserving of the same wedded bliss. 

Yet I cannot continue to hurt you so with such barbs as you hurt me. I may be cold in my professions but I remain warm in my friendships and it is now within my power to tell you I love you and would not have you taken by another. Please say your love is also mine. Please tell me your reason for denying me such truth was not in malevolence but in mercy. Do not wound me so, Jack. I cannot believe you to be so false.

 

**_[Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, April 79](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0100) _ **

Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my Dear Laurens, it might be in my power, by action rather than words, to convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that ’till you bade us Adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you...

...I anticipate by sympathy the pleasure you must feel from the sweet converse of your dearer self in the inclosed letters. I hope they may be recent. They were brought out of New York by General Thompson delivered to him there by a Mrs. Moore not long from England, soi–disante parente de Madame votre épouse. She speaks of a daughter of yours, well when she left England

... And Now my Dear as we are upon the subject of wife, I empower and command you to get me one in Carolina...

... Do I want a wife? No—I have plagues enough without desiring to add to the number that greatest of all; and if I were silly enough to do it, I should take care how I employ a proxy. Did I mean to show my wit? If I did, I am sure I have missed my aim. Did I only intend to frisk? In this I have succeeded, but I have done more. I have gratified my feelings, by lengthening out the only kind of intercourse now in my power with my friend. Adieu

Yours.  
A Hamilton

 

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Moultries Camp, Tulliginy Hill, South Carolina, 1st May 79_

I owe you an explanation for my conduct. ~~I love~~

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Moultries Camp, Tulliginy Hill, South Carolina, 1st May 79_

I know to what you refer and I see past your attempt to wound me with such anger and games. ~~You need not act a child and treat me as this and would you break my heart so as this? Do you not care? Would you rather play games than ask me why, then hear the truth? You succeeded in wounding me!~~

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Moultries Camp, Tulliginy Hill, South Carolina, 1st May 79_

Hamilton

I received your letter of this past April. I am aware of my fault and know how keenly I owe you an explanation as to my conduct. 

If I speak the truth, it is that in my past I acted hastily and then reaped the results in the most material manner, a wife and daughter the unwelcome result and not an aim I ever sought. But I cannot deny them. Why I kept such knowledge from you... 

~~I love you. Why have I not said it aloud. Of course I love you.~~

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Moultries Camp, Tulliginy Hill, South Carolina, May 2nd 1779_

Dear Hamilton

~~I know what you mean to do with your prose. I know the focus of your feeling and I owe you an explanation. I am married but this is not my heart and has no bearing on you. You are my heart.~~

I know the meaning behind your words and crafted prose. I know you wish to know why I should keep the knowledge of a wife from you. ~~I never meant~~ ~~I would explain~~ ~~I have no proper explanation~~

I should have told you.

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Moultries Camp, Tulliginy Hill, South Carolina, May 3rd 1779_

We were happy and I feared to break our fragile bond with knowledge of my worldly obligation. If I could have you forever, I would, and no one else lies in my heart.

 

_**Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, May 6th 79** _

Dear Laurens,

Were you still among us bound to headquarters you would find yourself most in want of meaningful action. As you well know due to your own extraction to that quarter, all significant fighting has shifted southward. We here, forced to maintain his Excellency's office, must be contented with our writing as usual with no need to mount horse and take to the field as yet. You might think me foolhardy to wish for a call to arms but I would say, you are the man who journeyed south to brandish his sword leaving your poor Hamilton at his desk. I wish to hear from you on the success of your black scheme. I know the needs of the southern campaign should benefit well from its success but none can speed the actions of a legislature. 

The forces remaining in the north continue with the practice of maneuvers. The Baron's regulations are continually improved upon and exercised by our forces. Indeed the French Minister, Conrad Alexandre Gérard, arrived in camp but recently and begins wholeheartedly to assist the cause. Would that his presence could ease the pains we feel in our purse as much as our fight. Though we must have and need such aid from our French allies and those in Europe who seek to fund our cause, our own dollar must at some point stand upon its own backing. Yet, our paper is still decried and pay for soldiers as well as officers is wanting. You know I understand well the desire to fight for the patriotic cause for no other reason than our liberty and country, but one cannot deny the power of a man's pocket when faced with less. I may seem base in this estimation but you know my opinion of the world and without you beside me to shine a ray of light I find the world far grayer.

I know you may now well be in use of your sword, upon your horse and in way of British fire but I must think not upon this – your dear self in danger – but on the lack of letters from your quarter. Though I grant you less able than myself to put pen to paper in your employ, I urge you do so as I would hear your answer to my own entreats. I do not play the maiden and force silence to your lips for want of my own pride and wounds to nurse them in some martyrdom. Indeed I crave the opposite and wish your words in my hands speaking what I should wish to hear even should it pain me. I believe you will not harm me thus, so find a moment in your fight by sword and pen to change that pen to my heart and yours.

Meade and Harrison wish to be remembered to you. Tilghman asks specifically not to be recalled as he claims a desire to surprise you with his presence upon your return, as though you could forget. 

Yrs sincerely  
A. Hamilton

 

_**[Letter miscarried] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Ansonborough, South Carolina, 20th May 79** _

I must immediately apologize for the delay in the writing of this letter. I know how much you deserve word from me on matters both military and personal — I am not ignorant of the explanations I owe to you. Please believe that my heart now and always lies with you. However, the call of duty which first led me south has taken precedence to my personal desires in the manner most pressing of a battle. 

I must admit first here to you that I have been wounded in my right shoulder in a skirmish and my hand may suffer now as a result. I pray you are able to read these lines. 

General William Moultrie commands a militia of 1,000 men which protect Charles Town from the British advance. Upon my arrival his rear guard came under threat of overrun from the enemy and I volunteered to lead them safely in retreat. Given 250 men under my own command I met up with the rear guard and chose a different strategy than retreat. I know well what you should say of my actions but upon the field and men of my own to command, I felt the need to choose an offensive pattern. With Charles Town —my own dear South Carolina —in such jeopardy —and the memory of Savannah so recently lost — I could not allow the British to continue their advance without contest from my own sword. As you likely anticipated in your reading, our attack did not end in a victory. A loss of two men and my horse came quicker than I should have anticipated. I myself and several other men were wounded and forced to retreat.

Perhaps you think me rash and would scold me for such a push to earn nothing but my own injury. I can only say this, that my pride and my country deserve every ounce of my honor and effort and sword to be given to their service. I have been removed to my family's estate to convalesce with my injury. I continue here to make entreats for my black regiment and will appeal to the Carolina legislature when ready. Here among the comfortable and the familiar I miss your comfort and familiarity more.

yours always  
John Laurens

 

**_[Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Middlebrook, New Jersey, May 22nd 79](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0151) _ **

Monroe is just setting out from Head Quarters and proposes to go in quest of adventures to the Southward. …

I wrote you at length some weeks since. Tilghman is absent—Business is plenty. I cannot enlarge. I wish ardently to hear of your success.

…Let me know fully Yr. Southern affairs. They are interesting and critical. You are judicious and impartial. God bless you.

Harrison, McHenry, Gibbs put you in mind of the place you have in their hearts. McHenry would write you; but besides public business he pleads his being engaged in writing an heroic Poem of which the family are the subject. You will have your part in it. ...

Affectionately Yrs.  
A. Hamilton

 

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Ansonborough, South Carolina, 15th June 79_

My Hamilton

I remain here at Ansonborough confined to my bed most hours despite my protests at my legs being able to function without the assistance of my arm. I am most often overruled. ~~I must admit my arm does pain me much. I can but write little without aches so must be brief.~~

I work as able on my entreats to the legislature. As you may recall I was elected to their number early this year in recommendation from my service with the army. I can only use this opportunity to the fullest and force the men within its walls to see the right of my plan which you so kindly helped me to craft. But the men act ~~selfish~~ ~~idiotic~~ in their own self interest and fear, calling my plan 'impolitic.' I shall not yield, however, until a vote.

I miss you more each day. ~~I would prefer an absence of duty and a dearth pride if it should allow me to call hell to the world and ride day and night back to your embrace.~~ I should prefer you here or myself with you if not for the needs of our war. I wish for your kisses and your hand and your embrace within our bed. ~~What was I thinking leaving you behind to fight here?~~ I must, however, cling fast to the needs of our country and my duty as a citizen within her borders. ~~But I need you more, I want you more and I cannot stop such fear as the pain I may have caused you. I did not intend to harm you by my present or past actions. Alex Alex~~

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Ansonborough, South Carolina, 15th June 79_

I know well my duty and my choices but my heart cries for one thing. Though I wish most ardently to be of use to my countrymen and the cause, I am at war with myself over my need for you, Hamilton. I wish for your kisses and your hand and your embrace within our bed. I think of how many days we spent beside one another yet still separate, how many precious hours my arms were not around you when now I have no choice but to be bereft of you. Kept from the field of battle by my injury, I have no all consuming task to keep my mind from y ~~ou, from my memory of your touch, of how dearly I wish to strip you of your uniform and have you as my~~

~~no stop writing~~

 

_**[Letter miscarried] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Ansonborough, South Carolina, 15th June 79** _

My dear Hamilton

I thank you for your letter of May the 22nd and hope you will by now have received my letter before that of the 20th. I remain at Ansonborough confined to my bed most hours despite my protests at my legs being able to function without the assistance of my arm. I focus my attentions now to my entreats to the legislature and force thoughts of desired battle from my mind.

In reference to my southern affairs, as you recall I was elected to their number early this year in acknowledgement of my efforts toward the war. I must use this position to its fullest and persuade the men within this body to see the right of my black plan which you so kindly helped me to craft. I have heard much opposition and displeasure toward my plan but I must not yield and use the words and facts of our need to convince them of the right. Congress has even allowed for a sum of money to be paid toward owners for each man they may lose to the service. Can that not be enough to supplicate them? 

Our force is depleted and we fear each day the coming of British reinforcements. They may be confided to Savannah at present but we know the British well enough to assert their eventual advance toward Charles Town once more. Better still, I hope with more men to our side we may find ability to move ourselves in the chance to free Savannah from her captors.

Though I know my duty and my choices, I should prefer you here or myself with you if not for the needs of our war. Though I wish most ardently to be of use to my countrymen and the cause, I am at war with myself. I wish for your kisses, your hand and your embrace. You know the affection within me and must not doubt my desire to be with you – only you – and how, despite my decisions, would still prefer you over sword. But my honor would not allow such and I believe you conscious of the duty we both bear. Thus I cling fast to the needs of our country and my duty as a citizen within her borders. I use my pen instead to remind you of my heart – read these lines as my kiss and know even upon the field I think of you.

Please give my regards to Harrison, Meade and Tilghman. If you should hear from Fitzgerald remind me to him and his recovery. I will allow an acknowledgement to McHenry despite my usual nature.

Adieu et mon amour  
John Laurens

 

**_Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Smiths Clove, New York, June 17th 1779_ **

Dr Laurens

The headquarters of our army has been recently forced to move from our position in Middlebrook to nearer the Hudson in New York due to the movements of the enemy. We learned of the enemy landing at King's Ferry and thus marched. Now we are secure once more and have not met them on the field as yet.

His Excellency received word from General Lincoln which included a mention of your person and injury in battle. He claims the wound to be in the arm and did not indicate any alarm as to the state of your recovery. I am pleased to learn your wound to be of less concern but in contrast am affronted at the occurrence of any wound to you be it little or great. I may suppose this a reason as to your lack of writing but can once more turn about and chastise you for not using the time allowed in your recuperation to write a letter to your dear friend who wants only word from your own hand.

As to my occupation here, I am much bound by organization of the army itself. The board of war commands reports of troop strength, their concern lying in the terms of service of the men within them. Those only bound for a year might be prevailed upon to reenlist and consent to a length of three years hence but arguments compound at the matter of pay and the perceived length of the war from this point. Beyond this is the usual matters of those of rank deeming certain duties beneath them and thus needed adjustment of duties to lower officers. The Baron and myself have spoken on this matter as he is knowledgeable on such hierarchy and has experience on the European stage. I will not repeat the jest he made but I gather you well able to imagine the words he felt necessary. Though admittedly the Baron suffers himself from the distinction of rank allowing for such delegation of duties of which our Walker and North may attest. I imagine you would say, such is the nature of the army and men's ego.

Perhaps though you care less to hear of such squabbles here when there is blood shed more readily in your southern quarters. I would gladly hear of this, your black scheme and yourself if but a letter were to reach my hand. Recall my heart and how I know myself susceptible to your charms and flattery. So I flatter myself that you should wish to write and will do so upon the receipt of this entreat. Remember my words to you, recall my actions more so and believe my love remains in South Carolina in your breast.

yours  
A. Hamilton

 

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Smiths Clove, New York, June 30th 1779_

I am bound to believe your motives now none other than to create a rage within my chest that I might put off writing you entirely. I count the weeks without word from you and remain left to fear all manner of things, worst being that your affections were for naught and now without my presence you find no longer to have a need of it. ~~Would you have me beg for your pen? Would you have me doubt your care as this silence makes so?~~ I will not claim ignorance of your words or true belief in your impartiality but absence of your ready affection and words make my mind drift with all manner of reasons. You and I both know I have want of your reassurance and an absence of your letters cannot make me feel anything but slighted. 

I know the time it takes to pen a letter and I would prefer pages upon pages but if you may only give me lines then give them and write me simple words, quick as they may be. Write ‘my dear,’ write ‘my darling,’ write ‘my heart,’ write ‘my love,’ write my name and I shall hear you say, ‘Alexander’ as though you were standing here. But do not continue with naught for I require more.

~~Did you lie when you left? Did you wish to be rid of me after all?~~

 

**_[John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Charles Town, South Carolina, 14th July 79.](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0321) _ **

Ternant will relate to you how many violent struggles I have had between duty and inclination – how much my heart was with you, while I appeared to be most actively employed here…

... The house of Representatives have had a longer recess than usual occasioned by the number of members in the field—it will be convened however in a few days—I intend to qualify—and make a final effort.

...if any thing important shd. be done in your quarter while I am doing daily penance here, and making successless harangues, I shall execrate my Stars—& be out of humour with the world. I entreat you my dear friend write me as frequently as circumstances will permit…

…I am afraid I was so thoughtless as to omit my remembrances to Gibbs in the last Letter Tell him that I am always his sincere well wisher and hope to laugh with him again before long.

adieu again – yours ever  
John Laurens

 

_**John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Charles Town, South Carolina, 4th Sept 79** _

Dearest Hamilton

I write to you now much healed in body if still pained in heart. I must apologize for so many weeks without writing and notice the absence of your own letters. If you think yourself slighted then take this as a recompense for such. Indeed I fear the mislaying or delay of some of my own letters causing such upset.

I know you will not find any satisfaction in the right of your belief in the callousness of your fellow man when I tell you the result of my petition to the legislature having ended in failure. In truth it may be said to have ended in a hailstorm of opposition. I was not without knowledge of the difficulties of my cause but I had hope for the rallying of patriotism and the protection of country to supersede that which might impede men's usual actions. But I hoped in vain. I do count some gains in that of the 72 men present I was able to ally 11 to my side. If I had more time I might see renewed hope in this alignment. For if I can convince near a dozen, could I not turn more with my own furor and rightness of the plan? I wonder if I had consented to your desire to join me, would your speeches and words have found a way to pair with mine that may have won more to our side? If you should wish to feel victorious in such an admission my friend, do, as I deserve this frustration and can only hope to fight harder to a successful end. If I fail in this endeavor of my black regiment then what worth may I find in forcing this separation between us? Indeed I favor the field and a fight, but I also favor you near.

I have been ordered by General Lincoln to meet Count D'Estaing to discuss a plan for the retaking of Savannah. I hope the discussion to be brief and result in a quick departure to Savannah. Such as this reminds me that the sword is as worthy a employ of my skill. If my pen fails, my sword must not. Indeed if we retake Savannah then I should feel able to return to where my affection lies and to the man whom I wish to embrace.

your devoted  
John Laurens

 

**_[Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – West Point, September 11th, 1779](http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Hamilton/01-02-02-0446) _ **

I acknowledge but one letter from you, since you left us, of the 14th of July which just arrived in time to appease a violent conflict between my friendship and my pride. I have written you five or six letters since you left Philadelphia and I should have written you more had you made proper return. But like a jealous lover, when I thought you slighted my caresses, my affection was alarmed and my vanity piqued. I had almost resolved to lavish no more of them upon you and to reject you as an inconstant and an ungrateful ——. But you have now disarmed my resentment and by a single mark of attention made up the quarrel. You must at least allow me a large stock of good nature. …

I think your black scheme would be the best resource the situation of your country will admit. I wish its success, but my hopes are very feeble. Prejudice and private interest will be antagonists too powerful for public spirit and public good. ...

Yrs most sincerely  
A Hamilton

 

**_John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Savannah, Georgia, 16th September 1779_ **

My Hamilton

I have but little time to write, yet feel I must pen you word as I am able. We are landed in Savannah in our attempt to retake the city from the enemy. I command a South Carolina troop of infantry and dragoons under Lincoln. I know not yet the success of our venture but I tell you I will accept nothing less than victory ~~or death~~ upon the field and shall fight until the last, as you know me well able. 

I pray you keep safe and for myself to see a letter from you upon the retaking of Savannah. My regards to our family, his Excellency, and my fondest affection to you.

Adieu  
John Laurens

 

**_Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – West Point, October 1st 1779_ **

Dear Laurens,

We have learned at headquarters of the commencement of the siege of Savannah. I have no doubt you are among our countrymen there fighting for the liberation of the city. I have received your letter of the 16th of September so know you are there at least in that state. Despite knowing the feat you must engage in now, I would beg you to remain steadfast toward your own protection. Remember the value of self and the need our army and country have of a patriot and abolitionist after this battle's end. I know of your boldness and fervor for the fight but I would have you whole at the end of it.

We have had much discussion with our French allies recently as to the state of the fight in the south. Their contributions of officers and ships are assuredly invaluable as you well know with those who ally in the siege now. Indeed many detachments of the enemy have been removed from New York and there is supposition of an offensive against New York apropos the weakened state of the British troops remaining there. I cannot yet speak to the fullness of this plan or not. There has again been a mention of the possibility of the annexation of Canada to our cause but I put little stock by this what with past failures on that count, you well know our Lafayette could attest to this were he here – indeed he is not yet returned from his departure to France and we long for word from him. The balance of cooperation and differing aims in the completion of this war are well visible.

In counter to such talk, I wait more earnestly for word of the results of your quarter. When you are able to write, find time for but a line or two so those who care most might know of your safety. The family – Meade especially – wish for the same. I am also recipient of the knowledge that his Excellency wrote you on the 28th of September which you should receive not long before this letter. I would have you heed his request of your return to headquarters in New York. You have worked and fought tirelessly in the south but you are also needed here.

yrs  
A. Hamilton

 

**_[Letter miscarried] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – West Point, October 5th 1779_ **

Dearest Laurens,

I know it but days since I wrote last but with little news and more concern I must put my pen to paper once more to implore your safe return. I know of your actions in battle, having seen them with my own eyes, and we both know your propensity toward injury. Do not you risk your person and act rashly upon the field without just need. I ask you do all you find able to keep yourself from any such injury or worse in this siege. Please consider my heart and what any harm to you should do to its state. I cannot bear the distance between us when I should wish to fight by your side as your protector. How am I able to champion you here? I want only your dear self – be it through victory or defeat – returned into my arms as when you left me. I proclaim even that any binding attachments you have beyond myself, femme et enfant, should matter none were I to have you alone held tight in my tender care.

Please, Jack, return to your dearest friend who needs you.

Adieu and yours most  
A. Hamilton

 

**_John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Savannah, Georgia, 18th October 79_ **

My dear Hamilton,

It is with deepest regret and disgust that I must inform you, as you might well suspect, of the loss on our part of the siege of Savannah. I am unharmed, though upon knowledge of our retreat I lamented the enviable position of my fallen comrades with such a defeat as this. Indeed I feel my honor in tatters from my own survival this day.

As I was unable to write you earlier, I shall account as much of the battle as I am knowledgeable. The battle began with offering the option of surrender to General Prevost within the city. We had a mind that his reinforcements would not reach the city in time and he should feel bound to take our offer. However, this proved to be quite the opposite when within a day the British reinforcements did arrive somehow able to get past General Lincoln. Rumain waged an attack from the river where at least two ships were burnt and sunk by the enemy. Yet then the British chose to scuttle their own ship and block the French from sailing to our aid.

After some days of cannon bombardment on the city, with little success, a direct attack on the British defenses was chosen. I was given command of the South Carolina light infantry and dragoons. The attack's intended beginning was to be in the earlier hours of the morning but did not get underway until light had risen. Indeed a fog, which reminded me much of Brandywine, held around the city so that many of our troops became confused and lost in the fight. I fought as hard as able, picking up discarded rifles to ably shoot all the more and dulling my sword on the chests of Scotsmen. The French fought well alongside us but fell far more until the trenches around the city were like a crypt, a sight that shall not leave me for some time. I encouraged my men always forward though more than once we were forced to draw back and regroup. I would booker no true retreat but to keep the fight alive.

On this day, General Lincoln and d'Estaing chose to abandon our fight. I must admit to you, my friend, I stood on the field the full measure of shame in my heart with arms wide hoping that a volley might bring me at least an honorable end rather than a lasting wound to my pride. But perhaps in better favor of the world, I was pulled away and join the retreat this night. 

Now there is naught yet to soothe my anger over this loss. Had we more support – more men and arms – we may have stood our ground and pushed the siege into a victory. I am of a mind to beg leave to travel north once more and request further aid from Congress which is desperately required. The only comfort I may draw from these weeks of battle may be that my dearer friends were safe from the destruction and harm wrought in its execution – you most of all.

yrs  
John Laurens

 

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – West Point, October 30th 1779_

Laurens

Can you expect me to find any relief from my own worries at such words as yours as to your behavior upon the field? ~~Do not act an imbecile. You selfish utter ass! I should kill you myself!~~

_[Letter not sent] Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – West Point, October 30th 1779_

Dr Laurens

Can you expect me to find any relief from my own worries at such words as yours as to your behavior upon the field? I should imagine your desire in battle as much an attempt to wound me as it is to defeat the British if you should prostrate yourself before them with such ill regard for your own state. Do you believe no value lies in your survival beyond a defeat? What should I feel knowing of your death? What should you do to me should I learn of you shot upon a field of battle so far flung from myself as to have no chance to be by your side in your final moments? I would act as Achilles from the loss of Patroclus and find a Homer to drag behind me in every British officer I meet. I would call the sun my enemy each day if it should dare shine after the loss of you. And you act thus? ~~You act a callous fool.~~

You entreat a death of honor as though the whole of the army were under your hand and each gun your finger on the trigger. What presumption might be in your breast as to call the defeat yours alone? Why should you die alone for the whole of such a loss? I know you to be a man of honor, yes, but I should know you as one of sense. We have had defeat in this war and a war cannot be won when all men lie dead and none shall fight. You can fight days more and you can spare my soul the loss of one so dear.

~~How dare you. How dare you.~~

~~I could mention a wife and daughter whom would rely upon you if this should make you –~~

Do not behave so hence, do not seek an early end, if for nothing but my request. ~~Do not break my heart. Please please~~

 

**_Alexander Hamilton to John Laurens – Great Egg Harbour Landing, New Jersey, October 30th 1779_ **

My Laurens,

I received your letter of the 18th of this month and am grieved as you to hear of the lack of success in the retaking of Savannah. Though you speak with upset at your survival in this defeat as it bears a bruise to your honor, I would remind you no victory in a war should be won by a side where all its men lie dead upon the field. I know you a man of honor but I also implore you to be one of sense. Though you must bear this defeat it gives you leave to fight once more and find your victory then. Would a reminder of your worldly family obligations be enough to entice your discretion in the fight? Perhaps it is not mine to say thus, but as one who cares much for you I would implore you to remember your duty lies in the living of it and not just your end. Indeed should that end occur, I would act as Achilles from the loss of Patroclus and find a Homer to drag behind me in every British soldier I fight. So keep your wounded pride and your life as they are if but for my request.

I am now, and have been for several days, dispatched with Brigadier General Duportail to Egg Harbour in anticipation of a meeting with Count D'Estaing come from you in Savannah. We have hope of he and his fleet sailing north in the possibility of a combined American and French attack. I should hope by the time you receive this letter he will be with us, though we have yet no word of his sailing at all and can merely wait.

You mention in your last a desire to entreat Congress on the matter of additional forces to aid the Southern Campaign. I would heartily agree upon this measure and also suggest a visit to we at headquarters during your journey. I speak not only for myself but for his Excellency and all the lads. We would wish to see you back with us and his Excellency would much prefer a firsthand account of our difficulties and actions in the south. As to my own feelings, now marks the longest separation between us of some eight months and I have no desire to lengthen its course. I would prefer your face and your kiss to your words on paper. Though your letters bring consolation of your heart they do nothing to soothe the absence of your touch. I shall not be coy with you but to state that I have such want and need of you that it drives me to distraction. So be your friend's kind savior and bring yourself where he may hold you close and touch your skin and see you bare so as may cure the pain of absence.

adieu – my dear  
A. Hamilton

 

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Williamsburg, Virginia, 18th November 1779_

My Hamilton

~~I received your letter of the 30th and you need not mention my wife as I care not for –~~  
~~I still should explain~~

~~I will not apologize for my fight. If you were~~  
~~No~~

_[Letter not sent] John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Williamsburg, Virginia, 18th November 1779_

My Hamilton

I was fortunate as you receive your letter of the 30th along my journey north. Your words are enough to revive memories of vivid nights ~~with your bare skin under my hand and kisses on my lips~~ that I may forget all duty and purpose to the war. ~~Your words torture me to distraction for your mouth.~~ My hands ache for your comfort and fear the forgetfulness of too long apart and though you may criticize my actions in battle I may be so bold as to say I would ~~use my hands and lips upon your neck and thigh and length of nose until you beg me stop.~~

 

_**John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Williamsburg, Virginia, 18th November 1779** _

My Hamilton

I was so fortunate as you receive your letter of the 30th despite the beginning of my journey north. As one among my comrades knew of my intended stop in Virginia, he was able to redirect your letter to reach me here much to my pleasure and relief. Your words are enough to revive memories of my nights with you so vivid that I may forget all purpose and duty to the war in favor of nothing but your comfort. Indeed, my hands ache to hold you with fear I should forget the feel of your body or kisses. I see you feel much the same and wish to ensure I suffer with you in this – a reminder of my obligations, as you put it, which I would tell you I could forgo. I cannot reproach you your tortures, however, as I am the source from the beginning and deserve such pains. But with so long a separation between us, reuniting shall be an instant balm to this persistent wound.

I am now writing from Virginia and shall soon be in Philadelphia to plead the case of the south. My aim in leaving the southern campaign in this time is, as you know, the matter of additional aid of men and supplies to hold South Carolina or I feel certain it should fall to the British advance. I have every intention to spare time for a visit to headquarters. My only request then would be to find you there to meet me. 

Prior to my departure north, I found in returning to Charles Town myself elected to a position in France as secretary to Benjamin Franklin. I was told the decision unanimous but I resolutely declined as I could not in good conscience accept such a prestigious post after the disaster of the siege and my own part in it. I could not also leave these shores without petitioning for the additional troops needed in the South. Perhaps others could have taken my place in this venture to Congress but I confess my motives including some reasons which contend to your person. My father, however, has accepted a European post in The Netherlands and I wish him luck.

In regards to my conduct in Savannah which you see fit to malign, I cannot apologize or regret such actions as I took or my feelings at the time. As a man who feels acutely the sting of pride and the blows to honour, Savannah was as much a torture as my parting from yourself. You may chastise me for it but I shall accept this and hope for your eventual forgiveness. If I may be bold to say, I would endeavor to garner your acceptance once more through my hands and lips upon you until you beg me stop.

yrs affectionately  
John Laurens

 

**_John Laurens to Alexander Hamilton — Philadelphia, 20th November 79_ **

My dear Hamilton

I have but little time to write as I am just arrived in Philadelphia and must contend with lodging for the night and a refresh of horses. I am to speak with General Greene if I make Baskinridge in due time and then hence to Morristown, headquarters and yourself. I hope General Greene to inform me of the state of the Northern campaign and how many men may be spared to march south as the situation, by my measure, is far more precarious now. I can only hope General Greene, and his Excellency, will agree to my requests and see action done for the remainder of our army. I beg my duty of most import and fear greatly for the wants of our fight in the south but my soul cries joy at the knowledge of seeing your face before me and not just through your pen. 

I plan to make for Baskinridge tomorrow and then a day or two after to Morristown.

Yrs truly  
John Laurens

**Author's Note:**

> This series is in the process of becoming a book, to keep up with the progress check out the book website [Duty and Inclination](https://www.dutyandinclination.com/) and my author [facebook page](https://www.facebook.com/DupontWrites).


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